14 More Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

11 Tim Vine

“So this bloke said to me, “As a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?” I said “Let me make one thing absolutely clear.  My mother was never a young boy.”

10 Eugene Mirman’s Obvious Billboards

 “There's this billboard in my neighborhood that said 'Don't leave a baby anywhere.' Which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street… but it made me want to make my own obvious billboards, so I have.”

“Don’t crap in an envelope and mail it to yourself.”

“Try not to wake up on fire.”

“Don’t throw a baby at anything. Even a burglar!”

“Do not threaten to steal a cops penis”

9 Mike Birbiglia

“I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, ‘Do you guys hate me?’"

Second place goes to someone who ends every sentence with “I forgot what I was going to say.”

8 Flight Of The Conchords

Jemain: “My father is a women’s rights activist.”

Brett: “Not your mum?”

Jemain: “Mum, No. Dad wouldn’t allow that. No way.”

7 Steven Wright

“I figured I’d go for a walk, she said ‘how long are you gonna be gone?’ I said, ‘The whole time.’”

6 Jimmy Carr

“People worry about their physical appearance, we all have our silly hangups. For instance, I’m worried that one of my balls is bigger…than the other two.”

5 Groucho Marx

“I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, and how it got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”

A certified classic (I certified it just now).

4 Gary Delaney

“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking. Then I went to see the crocodiles and I was still wanking.”

3 Emo Philips

2 Amy Schumer

“I finally just slept with my highschool crush. But now he like expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I'm gonna be in 3 years.”

1 Demetri Martin

“Last summer I was at a party and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location.”

Never pee in between pools either.

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Top Image: Emophilips.com - Guy Viau